August 18, 2025

How to Really Support Someone Through Grief

What does it actually look like to support someone through life’s hardest seasons? ​ From today’s teacher, ​SARAH KAGAN​

One of the hardest parts of grief is the loss of control

One of the most difficult realities of grief, loss, or any major life disruption is the total lack of control. You don’t get to choose when it hits, who it affects, what it looks like, or how long it lasts. You can’t ask it to slow down, come back later, or take an easier route.

You just have to take it.

But grief doesn’t just take the person you’ve lost. It also takes the version of yourself you were before it happened. It takes the future you thought you were building, the predictability you came to rely on, and the stability you once had. Grief takes away the person you loved, and with it the certainty you had about who you are, where you’re going, and how you move through the world.

When my mom died, I didn’t just lose her. I lost my sense of self. And the more people tried to help by offering quick answers or deciding things for me, the more disoriented I felt. What grievers need isn’t for someone to take over but for someone to give them the space and structure to decide what they need for themselves.

Offering moments of autonomy is one of the most powerful gifts you give to someone who is grieving

When someone is grieving, our instinct is often to jump in and take over. We share their news to “take it off their plate.” We reassign their workload without asking. We avoid mentioning their loss because we don’t want to upset them.

It comes from a good place, but in the context of grief, this kind of “help” can actually be another reminder that life is happening to them, not with them.

Instead, shift your approach to put the griever back in the drivers seat:

In professional or social settings let them choose how and when to share their news instead of making the announcement for them.
Ask about their mental and emotional capacity before adjusting their workload. Some people may want to work more, some may need to work less, but the griever should be the one to decide.
Invite the conversation: “Would you like to talk about what’s been going on?” instead of avoiding it entirely.

These small shifts in language and behavior give a grieving person back something they’re desperately missing: a sense of agency.

Support Doesn’t Mean Having All the Answers

Giving someone back control of their life doesn’t require a perfect script or a flawless plan. It just requires curiosity, respect, and a willingness to ask instead of assume.

If you’re a leader, HR professional, or team builder that means learning how to ask the right questions, focusing on ones that give people permission to decide what they need, rather than imposing it on them.

If you’re navigating grief yourself, the same principle applies: identify the areas of your life where you get to decide what comes next. It might be small at first, a daily ritual, a conversation you choose to have (or not), a boundary you set, but these moments add up.

You don’t need to have all the answers to support someone. You just need to help find their way to the answers already within them.

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